Depression is always a daily battle. Depressed folk have been described as “master thespians” who know how to put on masks for their friends and family. It’s certainly true for me, not to say I’m always fake or putting on an act but on a bad day I can normally still act like nothing is wrong or bothering me. It’s when I can’t put on the mask, when my friends or family can tell that I’m having a bad day – that’s when I’m losing the battle.
I hate burdening people with my problems, making them have to think about what I’m going through or experiencing. And yet it sometimes is the best way to process my thoughts and realize that I do matter to people. Then I walk away feeling terrible for sharing.
I want to help others through their struggles and weaknesses whether it’s a mental, physical, or spiritual health problem. I can’t stand the thought of someone else suffering silently, of not feeling loved or not feeling that they matter. Yet it’s so hard to accept the same. I don’t feel worthy of compassion or love or kindness. So hard to be on the flip side of this exchange, it takes an incredible amount of courage for a depressed person to come out and say they feel dead inside or hate themselves. And no wonder, what a shot to our pride to do such a thing! To help someone in need can make me feel good and useful, but to admit to someone else – it’s like I think if I don’t let other’s know then it might not be how I truly feel.
Psalm 38:1-11 (Esv)
O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath!
2 For your arrows have sunk into me,
and your hand has come down on me.
3 There is no soundness in my flesh
because of your indignation;
there is no health in my bones
because of my sin.
4 For my iniquities have gone over my head;
like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me.
5 My wounds stink and fester
because of my foolishness,
6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
all the day I go about mourning.
7 For my sides are filled with burning,
and there is no soundness in my flesh.
8 I am feeble and crushed;
I groan because of the tumult of my heart.
9 O Lord, all my longing is before you;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart throbs; my strength fails me,
and the light of my eyes—it also has gone from me.
11 My friends and companions stand aloof from my plague,
and my nearest kin stand far off.
Prayer of Jonah 